THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF

AND

SCENE 1

Professor Wuss, a mild-mannered instructor in the Department of Community Health Services, is seated at his desk in his office when the door bursts open and Activist Boy rushes in.
Activist Boy: Professor, Professor! Lots of people are smoking cigarettes! They're all going to die horrible premature deaths! And cause everyone around them to die horrible premature deaths too! We have to do something, fast!
Professor Wuss: Um...well...you're quite right, Activist Boy. Tobacco use is a terrible tragedy and a public health menace. It's a complex matter, however. There are things like free will, self-determination and personal autonomy to consider, as well as economic impact and negative social consequences of prohibitions. In any case, the power to determine public policies lies with the duly elected representatives of the people, in a democratic system. Perhaps we could undertake an educational campaign to warn people of the risks they are taking by smoking?
Activist Boy: Oh Professor! You're such a...such a...wuss! Super Duper Doc would do something about this, if he were here! [runs out, crying]
Professor Wuss: [thinks; "Little does he know that this is just my secret identity, and that I am in fact - Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health! Now, to action!"] [changes into Super Duper Doc costume and flies out the window]

SCENE 2

A meeting of tobacco company executives.
Vice President: So, in conclusion, our secret reports showed that anyone who even looks at a tobacco product becomes instantly and hopelessly addicted. They all develop cancer, heart disease, stroke and bubonic plague from smoking, and die horrible premature deaths.
CEO: Excellent! Everything is going according to plan! Gentlemen, we now control all forms of media, and subliminal as well as overt images of the coolest people of all time smoking tobacco products are being broadcast every 45 seconds, 24 hours a day. And the best news of all is...the baby-pacifiers secretly coated with nicotine are selling by the millions! Muahahaha!
All the executives: Muahahaha!

Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health, bursts through the door.
Vice President: Oh no! It's Super Duper Doc! We're fucked! Run!

Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health catches all of the fleeing executives and beats them to a bloody pulp.
Super Duper Doc: Now listen here, you agents of Satan! Stop manufacturing and distributing all tobacco products, and never do it again!

Later, in a convenience store. Every flat surface is covered with huge posters of cartoon characters smoking. The proprieter approaches a six year old child who is looking at jars of candy.
Store owner: Hey kid! Buy this package of cigarettes!
Child: I don't think I'm old enough.
Store owner: I don't give a damn how old you are! Buy this goddamn pack of smokes! On second thought...the first one should be free anyway...[forces a cigarette into the child's mouth and lights it]
Concerned citizen: Hey, that's not right! You can't do that!
Store owner: [grabbing a baseball bat from behind the counter] FUCK OFF! Get the FUCK outta my store before I crack you're skull, you commie! This is free enterprise!

Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health crashes through the ceiling and lands on the store owner, knocking him out.
Super Duper Doc: Let this be a lesson to all the scum who force small children to start smoking by openly displaying tobacco products in their store. No one will poison the children while Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health, is around!

Later still, at a press conference in front of City Hall. The Mayor and Super Duper Doc are on a stage. A large crowd is gathered around it. A flock of Health and Fitness Sheep are grazing on smoker's tax dollars, nearby.
Mayor Ben Dover: [thinks; "I'm not going to go down in history as a bungling moronic non-entity after all! I'll be remembered forever as a Health Hero, for this!"] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the savior of our city - Super Duper Doc, Medical Officer of Health!
Super Duper Doc: [rises] You're too kind, Mayor Dover! I'm not that important. [thinks; "Actually, I'm incredibly fucking important. Way more important than this brown-nosing loser of a mayor!"] Thank you! Thank you all!
Crowd: [thinking; "What an asshole!"]
Activist Boy: [from inside the crowd] YAY!
News reporter: [thinks; "This guy is so full of shit his eyes are brown! But if I keep sucking up to people like him by writing stuff that never questions anything they say and completely ignores any facts that contradict them, I'll get a Public Health Hero award and - more importantly - a Public Health Hero secret decoder ring! I'm getting hard already, just thinking about it!"]
Super Duper Doc: I'm happy to announce that the City Council have agreed to adopt whatever measures I tell them to!
Crowd: [thinking; "What an asshole!"]
Activist Boy: [from inside the crowd] YAY!
Health and Fitness Sheep: Baa-aa-aa! We hear and obey!
Super Duper Doc: There will be no smoking within the city limits, at all, period. Anyone caught smoking, anywhere, will pay a special property tax rate of 50% of their income. Schoolchildren will be encouraged to rat out their parents and other relatives, with a new Playstation game for each name they provide. Children or teens caught smoking will be fined 50% of their parent's income, and have "I'm a stupid dumbo - treat me like shit" tattooed on their foreheads.
Crowd: [thinking; "What an asshole!"]
Activist Boy: [from inside the crowd] YAY!
Health and Fitness Sheep: Baa-aa-aa! We hear and obey!
Super Duper Doc: The bars, lounges and clubs complained that this would cost them a lot of money - so we just closed them all down, today, to save time. Alcohol is bad for you anyway. Good riddance to them!
Crowd: [thinking; "What an asshole!"]
Activist Boy: [from inside the crowd] YAY!
Health and Fitness Sheep: Baa-aa-aa! We hear and obey!

FINALE

Super Duper Doc and Activist Boy are driving around the city in the Superduperdocmobile, an enormous SUV belching thick black smoke, running down the last stubborn smokers.
*SPLAT!*
Super Duper Doc: That one was in a wheelchair. 500 bonus points!
Activist Boy: Hahaha! You're my hero, Super Duper Doc!
Super Duper Doc: I'm everyone's hero! I'm a Medical Officer of Health!
Activist Boy: You're such a man! Not like that wimpy Professor Wuss!
Super Duper Doc: And you're such a cute young college boy! Hey, did I ever tell you about the ancient Greek practise of "mentorship"?
Activist Boy: Does it have something to do with public health? I'd do anything for public health!
Super Duper Doc: Now that's what I like to hear!